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Dualism or double-aspect (?) of phobia; co-existence/polar opposite
might probably exist in one body a doubt about fixation of symptoms;
claustrophobia and agoraphobia might come in pairs. Or, symptoms
could not probably be conceptualized as a fixed reaction in terms
of a singular meaning of a noun.
Self-banishment
My primary school days at the Japanese-style wooden house in the
Japanese colonial era. Hiding in a closet and the secret memory;
locking myself up in the small dark space and the suffocating
sense of secrecy, and the first experience of masturbation in
the confinement. A creeping thrill is overlapped with a sense
of guilt. The simultaneous occurrence of the sense of isolation
and of relief, comfort of closeness and masturbation, and gloominess
and peacefulness. The suffocating pressure of the tight space
is overlapped with the relief as if in the womb, leading to a
secret pleasure accompanied by the uneasiness toward exposure
and the nauseating shortness of breath.
A scar of birth? Or, overlapping with the first anxiety of cutting
off from the labor pains and the comfort of the womb?
The first memory of unconsciousness deriving from the violent
pains of labor, shortness of breath and the frustration by being
extracted from the womb; just like those cursed and turned into
pigs by Circe and had to remember that they once used to be human
beings, frustrations of oblivion.
My mother who suffered from asthma for thirty years, and the shaking
of her shoulder every night battling with the stifling shortness
of breathe and the isolated fits, the lingering impulse of murdering
her, a kind of fantasy murder, a dream of euthanasia that is only
to be delayed. My consciousness is suffering from the fantasy
of suffocating her, just like in the novel. The sound of a magpie
by KIM Dong-Lee.
Her eyes having lost focus, gazing at the empty space, her skin
changing into the color of the dead, her breath almost being stifled,
and the unbearable fantasy of murdering her, overlapping with
the sense of guilt for the nights, with my breath becoming faster
and harder, and the breath of the two escalating together, as
if toward the climax. Little by little, I suffocate her every
night.
Skin Breathing/ Skin Suffering from Shortness of Breath The skin,
the veil that is the fundamental device that differentiates me
in the world the hyper fragility and anxiety, like a balloon just
about to blow up. The skin, the first and the last fortress, the
mask hairs, clothing, gloves, hats that lie on the continuation
of simultaneousness and double-aspect of anxiety and protection.
Anxiety toward the skin grows into anxiety toward hairs.
Will toward hairs; paranoia about the need of hairs, yearning
for thick hairs, paranoia about hairs falling out, which spreads
into separation from mother and which spreads into paranoia about
removing of a hat·.
myung -seop hong
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